Let me put out this disclaimer, my musing here are not facts but just that, musings.

As I sat there tonight in this room full of Godly women I am jealous. Yes jealous. No, not of the beautiful furnishing around me or of the clothes worn by other women, but I am jealous of their knowledge. I have read some of the same things they have read this week and yet I still feel lost. Confused. Why is it they can read the same things and yet glean all this information when in my mind it is a jumble of words with only some understanding.

If God hardened Pharaohs heart, and he did, does he also close off my mind. Will I ever be able to understand the way they all understand. The words do not make sense to me until someone else directly and clearly explains them to me. I am by no means saying that I think that I should just give up, that because I don't understand I should just put away my bible.

Will I ever understand?

But if God did choose to close off my understanding then I wonder why. I so desperately want it. I am listening to them speak and think, "Ugh, why did I not see that? That makes so much sense. Why did I not see that application? Why did I not relate?"

I am so thankful to sit there every week and just listen. True, I am not really being a participant but I am learning. Please be in prayer for me, as I am in prayer for myself, that I will have understanding. That without the assistance of others I can look at Gods word and receive his truths and grow in Godly wisdom.