Waiting on pins and needles

Courtney and me at my birthday party

I feel like a school girl waiting by the phone for one of those calls except, well it's worse to me. First let me tell you if you are only here to see cute pictures of my kids just click away because I am about to use my blog for free therapy.

Let me start at the beginning and try and make it short. My parents divorced when I was five and John Micheal remarried to someone I already knew and was very good friends with her daughter. Courtney and I were great friends, so great in fact that I wished as a child that we would be sisters. Just imagine my surprise at my mystical powers when we became so. Anyway at about 11 or 12, I'm not really sure, I stopped going to see John Micheal and therefore didn't see Courtney very often. The last time I talked to her was on her twenty birthday. Less than two weeks later I found out we were pregnant, so my little sister has no idea that I have three wonderful children.

A few weeks ago Jeff got a myspace and he showed me how to look people up. I looked up Courtney's school and year and found her immediately. I was nervous and it was hard reading her blogs because she is grown up now. It's silly ya know how your mind holds people at the same point in someones life that you last saw them as if they haven't grown at all. She is a woman now, with a job and apparently from reading her friends comments a broken foot. It made me sad to see all these people who know my sister as she is now, the girl I haven't know for nearly five years. Yes, I'm sure I could have tried to find her before, just as she could have tried to find me but for some reason I didn't.

So now I wait after submitting a request to be a "friend". I check the space regularly to see if she will accept me. Part of me wants to keep her as the little girl that I played Barbies with, the girl who poured iced tea in her chicken noodle soup just like me because Debbie made it too hot, the same girl who would send rolly pollies down the creek on a raft of tree bark and have "breaking news" when it capsized, but at some point I have to realize that she has grown up and no longer pretends to have cooking shows in her backyard. At some point I have to let her grow up so my children can know the woman she is now instead of the child I have locked away in my mind. She will always be my sweet little sister.

I hope she answers me soon.