I was pulling up to a red light after leaving Wal-mart trying desperately to hear the voice on the voice mail over the sounds of the kids in the background. It was a thick voice, African American, and he is saying something about a baby boy. That was the first moment I learned of sweet you.
I frantically called him back to hear what he was trying to say on the message. Baby boy, white, 2 days old, healthy, bringing him to you tomorrow is what I heard. I quickly hung up with him to call Daddy. I spewed out the information as quickly as I could to hear what his answer was. As soon as I got the yes I wanted to get off the phone right away to call the CPS worker back, fearful we would lose you.
"Yes, yes. We want him. When do we get him?"
I was told to wait for another call to find out. The kids and I made a late night run to another Wal-mart when we learned we would get you early the next morning. We needed bottles, and diapers, and formula and that one outfit I just couldn't resist for you, and pacifiers. The formula, oh the formula....If I couldn't breast feed you I wanted you to have the best. I stood there for so long staring at all those cans and not having a clue about which one to buy.
It took me so long to fall asleep that night. Dreaming of you and thinking of how sad and scared your birth mom must be. And praying for all of you. I couldn't wait to fall asleep because I knew that just brought me closer to you. The next morning couldn't come fast enough.
Hour after hour passed, and still no you. I made calls and waited and waited. Finally minutes before I had to leave to go get your brothers and sister from school here you were, hidden under a blanket in a car seat. I pulled it back and my you were so tiny. I thought to myself you were just a tiny little peanut. I couldn't wait for the CPS worker to leave so I could gush over you in private. I took pictures of you to send to Daddy at work. I hated putting you back into a car seat but we had to get the kids, who I knew couldn't wait to meet you too.
Bo was the first sibling to hold you. He beamed with big brother pride.
"Dear God, thank you for the food and the drinks, and Kati and Bear and Question Mark......." and that's how you became my Q because your brother couldn't remember your name. That same morning as I kissed Bo good-bye at the kindergarten playgroud I heard "Bye Question Mark. I love you Question Mark"
I loved you right from the start but you stole my heart when you began opening your eyes. There are no words to explain what you did to me. At night when I fed you I would stare at your sweet face and think of your birth mother and wonder if she was thinking of you.
The last three nights you were with us you couldn't or wouldn't sleep without me. I will cherish those nights of your tiny body against my chest as we both slept in the recliner.
You leaving us was devastating. Devastating doesn't even begin to explain it. I knew I couldn't keep it together and hand you over to your birth father so Daddy did it for me while I waited in the van with the kids. Before he took you I kissed you all over your sweet plump face. I felt then and feel now that we will never see you again and there are no words for this anguish. I think of you all the time and pray for you constantly. My prayers are for you to be safe, healthy and happy. I pray that someday we will see you and hold you again. I pray we get the chance to watch you grow up.
I love you Q,
Mommy
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