2009 has been a year of change for me and if you truly know me then you know how much I hate change. I think these lines from a Rascal Flatts song sums this year up best for me

I loved like I should
but lived like I shouldn't
I had to loose everything just to find out

Some of the change has been devastating and some of the changes are amazingly wonderful. I have changed a lot about myself this year. Outwardly I have lost around 20 pounds (darn that Thanksgiving). I have also changed a lot about me as a mother, a woman and the kind of wife that I want to be.

The most exciting change that has happened for me this year is meeting my son. I know that may sound odd considering I didn't give birth to any children this year. For the first time in four and a half years I actually know my boy. All this time we have just co-existed in the same space. Not because I didn't love him but because I didn't know how to rear him in the way that he needed. Jeffrey and I changed out parenting techniques with him and in a few months I had this new boy living in my home. He smiles and laughs and wants me to be a part of his world now.
On Christmas Eve Jeffrey suggested we let the kids open one gift and they each selected one from under the tree. Ordinarily Bear would have complained about Bo going first but instead he waited patiently. Not just for Bo to take the wrapping off but even waiting while we opened the box and got the things out. But what happened next was the best Christmas present I have ever (and possibly will ever) received.

Bear's face lit up when he opened his gift.
Inside was an airplane with a drill for him to disassemble and reassemble the plane as many times as he wants.

A few months ago my car broke and I stood out in the drive way taking things out with tools I didn't know the name to while Bear and Bo rode around and around on their trikes. From time to time Bear would pick something up and ask about its name and what it was for (not that I had the answer for him). Before Bear wouldn't have done that. He wouldn't have shared his curiosity with me, wouldn't have tried to be a part of my world. And I am sure this is mostly my doing and it breaks my heart to know that.

Anyway I tucked that day away in my mind and when I saw that airplane I knew it was for him. And clearly that face says I was right!

I sat on my couch that night watching Jeffrey and Bear building together and I had the goofiest grin on my face as I fought back my tears. I sat there realizing that for the first time I picked a toy for him knowing he would like it. Because for the first Christmas I know my son. My son that I have always loved and always cherished. I just never knew him.