2009 has been a year of change for me and if you truly know me then you know how much I hate change. I think these lines from a Rascal Flatts song sums this year up best for me

I loved like I should
but lived like I shouldn't
I had to loose everything just to find out

Some of the change has been devastating and some of the changes are amazingly wonderful. I have changed a lot about myself this year. Outwardly I have lost around 20 pounds (darn that Thanksgiving). I have also changed a lot about me as a mother, a woman and the kind of wife that I want to be.

The most exciting change that has happened for me this year is meeting my son. I know that may sound odd considering I didn't give birth to any children this year. For the first time in four and a half years I actually know my boy. All this time we have just co-existed in the same space. Not because I didn't love him but because I didn't know how to rear him in the way that he needed. Jeffrey and I changed out parenting techniques with him and in a few months I had this new boy living in my home. He smiles and laughs and wants me to be a part of his world now.
On Christmas Eve Jeffrey suggested we let the kids open one gift and they each selected one from under the tree. Ordinarily Bear would have complained about Bo going first but instead he waited patiently. Not just for Bo to take the wrapping off but even waiting while we opened the box and got the things out. But what happened next was the best Christmas present I have ever (and possibly will ever) received.

Bear's face lit up when he opened his gift.
Inside was an airplane with a drill for him to disassemble and reassemble the plane as many times as he wants.

A few months ago my car broke and I stood out in the drive way taking things out with tools I didn't know the name to while Bear and Bo rode around and around on their trikes. From time to time Bear would pick something up and ask about its name and what it was for (not that I had the answer for him). Before Bear wouldn't have done that. He wouldn't have shared his curiosity with me, wouldn't have tried to be a part of my world. And I am sure this is mostly my doing and it breaks my heart to know that.

Anyway I tucked that day away in my mind and when I saw that airplane I knew it was for him. And clearly that face says I was right!

I sat on my couch that night watching Jeffrey and Bear building together and I had the goofiest grin on my face as I fought back my tears. I sat there realizing that for the first time I picked a toy for him knowing he would like it. Because for the first Christmas I know my son. My son that I have always loved and always cherished. I just never knew him.

On this last day of 2009 I want you to give yourself a gift for the coming year. Not a resolution mind you, because don't we all break them before February even gets here.

It's a precious gift that we all wish we had more of but the fact is we all get the same amount. Everyday.

Time.

It sounds silly to give yourself something we already have but it's what you do with your time. I wish I had given myself this gift years ago.

I felt, like most of us, that I just didn't have enough hours in everyday and tried to make it all fit anyway. I needed to do just one more thing and once that was finished I needed to do just one more. And to be interrupted from doing that thing.........it wasn't a pretty sight. It needed (whatever it was) to get done right now. Right Now. And if it didn't? I didn't really have an answer...... it just needed to...... right then. I found myself telling the kids "In a minute" and the minute never came. I found myself shrugging off my husbands embrace because I had the "just one more thing" to do. Not because I didn't want that touch or the time with my children. I just lost sight of what was truly important somewhere along the way.

If only I had taken the time to think it through. To realize that the dishes weren't going anywhere but my children were growing. To see that my husband longed for me and waiting 10 minutes to put in the towels to wash didn't really matter. I felt all along that being busy made me a good mother, a good wife, but I wasn't giving anyone what they wanted and needed.

I have worked on changing this about myself these last eight months. I have come a long way, I'm still not where I want to be, but nevertheless different. My children are happier for it and so am I. No fairies come at night to do the things I missed during the day, I'm just learning to live with it. I can have a clean home when my children are grown.

So give yourself time in 2010. Think it through. Do you really need to make those cupcakes from scratch? Or could you make some from a box and spend that extra time coloring with your kids? Don't worry about impressing the other moms because in ten years they wont even remember your name but your babies will still be here - no longer babies. Dinner can wait fifteen more minutes while you give your husband those kisses he waited all day for. Because if you wait until you get it all done you will have nothing left to give.


I loved like I should
Lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out.
-Rascal Flatts

I trespassed for the first time in my life

but I think this picture made it worth it for me, just don't tell my kids.

Oops!

I was so excited for our white Christmas. I can't ever remembering having one. When I realized that we were going to the ranch later that day and could get snow shots I was thrilled. What I didn't take into account would be all the mud.

Before I left the house Jeffrey warned me to be careful and not get stuck in any mud. I told him I would be just fine and headed out. I was pumped. I knew just were I was headed first. As I looked up behind me in the rear-view mirror I saw a this gorgeous snow capped home with a beautiful sunset behind it.

I got one, ONE shot when my battery died. I chose to be optimistic about it. Telling myself that I was very close to the house and could just swing back and grab my other battery. I wasn't going to kick myself for not bringing it to begin with. I turned my ipod up loaded just in time to hear "It Happens" by Sugarland when the car lost traction.
And I was stuck. I tried for just a short while to free the car but feared I was only making matters worse. Clearly I wasn't smart enough for this job because I didn't even think to roll up the window when I was trying to get out of my predicament, leaving the inside of my car muddy as well.
I sheepishly walked back to a home full of boys having to admit I did the one thing they warned me not to do.
At least they were all great about having to help me in the freezing cold. And as you can see I wasn't as stuck as I thought but still too stuck for me.

Me and my girl

Future builder

Look at that pride.

That's me

That's Bear inside Jeff's room.

That's me and Jeff in his apartment.

Now Bear is placing the stairs on to get up there.

He puts so much thought into what he is building. With no help he came up with his idea and built it on his own.